Posts by Joel Lindstrom

Consulting Principal for Hitachi Solutions, Stephanie's husband, father of two.

Episode 60: Cybersecurity, WannaCry, and Yellowcard

This week we are joined by cybersecurity expert Jeff Fossett and an occasionally barking dog to discuss cybersecurity–what does the WannaCry ransomware attack mean and what does Jeff do to protect himself online? While he’s here, he offers a spirited defense of his favorite band, Yellowcard.

Other topics discussed in this episode:

  • What are the best hacking/cybersecurity movies?
  • What is the #moonroofselfiemovement?
  • Brompers
  • Hipster glasses
  • Santo movies
  • Dentists
  • Millennials
  • Adventures in technical support
  • The rules of Instagram
  • How to psych yourself up for conference calls

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Five Minute Cannon: Country Blues

or, The Attack of the Farm Boy.

Just in time for Quinn Martin’s 95th birthday, we present an extended version of Five Minute Cannon. Famous country singer Woody Long is dead. Was foul play involved?

With Clu Gulager as BJ Long, Joan Van Ark as Diane, and Mark Hamill in a rare pre-Star Wars role as “Farm Boy.”

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Episode 59: Big hats and fidget spinners

In this week’s episode, Joel hits a milestone by finally finding a hat the fits him, and we review our plans for future “Five Minute Cannon” episode.

Additional topics in this episode:

  • What we’re listening to: Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors Souvenier and Serius XM Rome channel
  • What we’re watching: return of MST3k, “Batman and Bill, and Perry Mason”
  • Fidget Spinners
  • Rome’s latest pranks for Larry
  • We observe a very special five year anniversary

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5 Minute Cannon: The Seventh Grave

If You’re Like Me proudly presents a new feature: Five Minute Cannon. You have a busy life, all you can find is five minutes. Well, why not fill that five minutes with a recap of a thrilling episode of Cannon?

In this episode, Barry Nelson, Lou Frizzell, and unmentioned guest star Shelley Duval. It’s a portly powered pummelling of the perpetrator.

Episode 58: All shows lead to Matlock

If you’ve listened to If You’re Like Me for long, you know Rome’s distaste for Andy Griffith, and how Joel enjoys finding Griffithian connections to things that Rome loves. In this episode, we discuss the distinguished career of Dean Hargrove, who is responsible for some of Rome’s favorite television, as well as Ben Matlock, which places Ben Matlock firmly within the William Conrad/Perry Mason/Columbo universe.

We also talk about celebrity deaths during the month of March, Cannon’s fatal flaw, creepy stalking music, and gameshows.

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Episode 57: Rojo Automobilistico

This episode was recorded on April Fool’s day 2017. In it, we react to the Atlanta interstate collapse, the great hail storm of 2017, and debate what we should do when the robots take over.

Other topics discussed in this episode:

  • It’s April Fool’s Day Charlie Brown
  • RIP Honda Odyssey
  • Performance reviews
  • Confused protestors in downtown Greenville
  • Amazon recommendations
  • Rome’s anniversary
  • Old guy update

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Episode 56: Two Year Special

It was two years ago this week that we started If You’re Like Me. It’s been a great two years, and in this episode, we look back at some of the original episode topics. We also discuss:

  • Herk Harvey’s lost film
  • Cannon update
  • Books
  • Judge Wapner
  • Tom Skerrit’s mustache
  • Rivers
  • Dreams
  • Rivers of Dreams

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Episode #55: Alabama House of Turkey, Russell Johnson, and Skunks

In this episode we discuss:

  • Rome’s brush with death
  • Sweet home Alabama
  • Alabama house of Turkey
  • Cannon season 2
  • Selecting music for a family slideshow
  • Joel’s trip to the Grand Canyon
  • Scatology
  • The great Ohio skunk infestation
  • Ohio drivers vs. South Carolina drivers
  • Attack of the Crab Monsters with Russel Johnson
  • Gilligan’s Island
  • Magnificent Seven (2016)
  • The Fugitive
  • Thunderstruck by Erik Larson
  • RIP Jamie Fox

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Episode #54: The Cannon of Spies

It’s our inaugural episode of 2017. Since the Russians are now back as the villains in our news, we talk about our favorite Russian spies and villains. See if yours is on our list. Other topics in this week’s episode:

  • Farm Boy
  • Cannon
  • Columbo
  • The Bandwagon show
  • Big Joe Polka Show
  • Rome hates half pint
  • Crying and hugging
  • SMERSH vs SPECTRE
  • If we were Darth Vader
  • The value of being the family archivist

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Episode #53: If You’re Like Me Holiday Special

Whether you are listening to this episode on Christmas Day (observed), Boxing Day (In Canada), or Proclamation Day, we wish you a very happy holiday, and on this episode, we present the traditional holiday greeting for your holiday.

We also discuss highlights in books and movies from this year (or which were new to us this year), and somehow get to a discussion of what happens if Superman sneezes.

So stoke up the yule log (just not too much, unless you are celebrating Russian Emergency Rescuer Day), grab a steaming cup of cider, and have a great holiday, whatever that holiday may be.

 

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Episode #52: Cream Cheese and Not-So-Tiny Tim

We are back at Due South Coffee Roasters for another Americola fueled episode.

In this episode:

  • Mayonnaise debate
  • Joel finally finishes his Smallcreep assignment
  • Joel runs Rome’s favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Carol with not so Tiny Tim
  • We perform the annual recitation of the miracle of the Christmas Cream Cheese
  • Notable deaths give us an excuse to talk about some of our favorite Twilight Zone episodes, including Obsolete Man and The Mirror.
  • The Genesis reunion, sponsored by Polygrip

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Episode #51: We are thankful

It’s our annual Thanksgiving episode, and like last year, we list things for which we are thankful. That list does not include those terrible sappy Publix Thanksgiving commercials. This episode we are live at Due South Coffee Roasters in Taylors, South Carolina. If you are in the upstate of South Carolina, stop by Due South and have an Americola. You won’t regret it.

Other topics discussed on this episode:

  • Turkey, and why would anyone ever want to eat it
  • Review of the new McGyver series
  • Dr. Who, The Power of the Daleks
  • What happens next in Cannon: Murder by Gemini
  • Frankenstein, and what does he have to do with PBS’ Rick Steves
  • Rome’s interesting wife
  • Notable deaths, the master will not be pleased

Enjoy your turkey. You can have mine.

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Episode 49: You won’t believe what happens in this episode!

This episode is guaranteed to protect you in a Martian attack, as Rome explains what Slim Whitman has to do with progressive rock.

Other topics discussed:

  • Assembling Ikea furniture
  • Politics
  • Clickbait
  • Richard D. Trentlage
  • Jingles
  • Vincent Price
  • Kenny Roger’s retirement
  • Oxygen is getting depleted
  • Colossus and the Crab
  • The Sewell Family Vacation

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Episode 48: The Return of the Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn Flavored Circus Peanuts

In this episode:

  • Candy corn: what is it
  • Circus peanuts
  • Pumpkin spice everything
  • Rome’s bad week
  • San Francisco
  • iOS 10 and Joel’s favorite feature
  • Chuck Conners shoots somebody
  • Shark Tank
  • Bill Bixby’s pants
  • Lowe’s Foods calls batman
  • Cliff Hangers

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Episode 47: The BizarroPorch Mistery

On Labor Day 2016, Rome Maynard’s house was desecrated with a vicious BizarroPorch attack. If you or anyone you know have any information that could lead to the apprehension of the perpetrators, email rome@ifyourelike.me.

Additional topics in this episode:

  • Creepy clowns and how to avoid them
  • Apples, and why Rome hates them
  • Old guy glass
  • Mark Hamill’s unforgettable role as Farm Boy
  • Canoeing adventures
  • The Cannon literary cannon
  • Rome is the slowed down Johnny Carson
  • Bailey’s Beansicles
  • Celebrity deaths you may not have heard of

 

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Episode 46: Lindstrom’s Law

It’s time for another episode of If You’re Like Me, also known as Joel and the Grumpy Old Man. This episode includes a free-wheeling discussion of the following topics:

  • Asheville, NC
  • Boy man buns
  • Rome’s old man hat
  • Lindstrom’s Law
  • Our olympic recap
  • RIP Kenny Baker
  • Helpful prank tips
  • William Conrad’s coat
  • Driving in Ohio
  • Here’s to easily entertained people

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Episode 45: Pokémon, Go Get Me Some Aspartame

In this episode, Joel asks Rome a series of burning questions, we play “Trump or DF Jones,” and a curmudgeonly old man explains Pokemon Go.

Other topics discussed:

  • Aspartame
  • Productivity
  • Rome’s superpower (wait for it…)
  • Recap of the political conventions
  • Morgan Freeman should narrate everything
  • Subscriptions, and how everybody wants our money
  • Celebrity death log
  • Television weathermen
  • The Fugitive (a Quinn Martin Production)
  • David Janssen’s pallbearers

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Episode 42: The Great Debate

In this episode, Shawn Tabor from Mundanity Podcast joins us to debate Rome on some very important topics:

  • Dr. Who
  • Batman
  • Stan Lee
  • What is the greatest comic book series of all time?

They don’t always see eye to eye, but the discussion has some surprises.

Also discussed on this episode:

  • What is Amazon recommending that we buy?
  • Random record reviews
  • Are celebrity obituaries overdone?
  • Wilford Brimley

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Episode 39: Curation and Comment

This week filmmaker Chris White joins us to talk about his short film anthology Unbecoming. Chris shares some great insight about what it is like to be a creator in the age of curation and comment, when everybody is a critic. I had the pleasure of attending the red carpet premier of Unbecoming in Tryon, North Carolina, and we are giving away two tickets for the Greenville premier of the movie in May. Just leave a comment on our blog or Facebook page to be included in the drawing.

Chris also discusses his experiences working on Star Trek Continues and writing Saturday Night Live reviews on Paste Magazine. How does being a filmmaker change his approach to being a critic? Is SNL really not as good as it used to be?

Other topics in this episode:

  • Mayor Uber
  • Popcorn
  • Michael Forest
  • Glen Campbell
  • Hulk hands
  • Phillcollinology
  • Admiral Ackbar
  • Merle Haggard
  • Mortality
  • Larry update

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Episode #38: Hats Off To Larry

In this episode we premier a new television drama, “Rome Maynard: On Call.” Will Rome answer the phone in time to save the doctor who forgot his email password? Find out tonight on “Rome Maynard: On Call.”

We also discuss audiobooks–do they count as “reading?” and the listening public challenges Rome to view the Netflix DareDevil series.

We talk about Chris White’s excellent new short film anthology Unbecoming. This film includes Michael Forest and Patti D’arbanville. Now both Joel and Rome have IMDB pages.


UNBECOMING \ Trailer from Paris MTN Scout on Vimeo.

We wrap up with a mega Larry update. Last week was National Larry Day, so in Larry’s honor we unveil the new Larry Update Theme Song.

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Episode #37: Daylight Saving Time

Happy Daylight Saving Time. In this episode:

  • We lament the sad state of political discourse
  • Composing Facebook statuses using predictive text
  • Joel’s review of Universal Studios Orlando
  • Where are the Florida oranges?
  • Eric Larson’s “Devil in the White City”
  • Smallcreep’s day
  • The reason we will never forgive the Bee Gees

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Episode #36: Reverse Larry and Middle-Aged Robin

It’s our podcast birthday! One year ago we set out on a mission to help others be more like us. Given the exploding popularity of Frank Cannon and Johnny Cash, it must be working.

In this episode we look back at the highs and lows of the first year of our podcast, Joel reviews 1949’s Chubby Batman and Middle-Aged Robin.

Rome reviews season one of CW’s The Flash. He explains why Harrison Wells may be his favorite television super villain.

We end the show with Joel giving Rome his annual performance review.

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Episode #35: Hello my name is Rhome

This episode marks the end of our first year of podcasting. In this Colossal episode:

  • Honathan Jyde shares how his life has changed since we endorsed him in episode 34.
  • Joel reviews the classic film Colossus: The Forbin Project
  • Rhome reviews the classic film A Face in the Crowd. Has his opinion of Andy Griffith changed?
  • 1949 Batman serial
  • 2016 Batman cereal (tastes like regret)
  • Driving in major cities
  • The future of medical imaging
  • Smokey voices
  • Rhome’s rhecent nhame chhange

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Episode 34: We Endorse You

This week we endorse our friends on LinkedIn, we talk about William Shatner, Rome guesses (incorrectly) the top earning celebrities, we review our challenges from episode 33, and we challenge each other with new assignments. Other topics:

  • Smallcreep’s Day
  • William Conrad’s Valentine Day gift suggestions
  • Rome reviews the thrilling Cannon episode “A flight of hawks”
  • James Bond

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Episode 33: Rome Saves Tom Cruise Movies for Special Occasions

This episode was recorded during the great snowstorm of 2016.

We recap our assignments from last episode, and give each other new assignments. Joel’s assignment is to listen to the Alan Parson’s Project Tales of Mystery and Imagination: Edgar Alan Poe. Rome’s assignment is to partake of a delicious Mac and Cheese Taquito at QuikTrip.

We also pay our respects to the many famous people who have died since our last podcast:

  • David Bowie
  • Natalie Cole
  • Glenn Frey of the Eagles
  • Dan Haggerty, not of the Eagles
  • Alan Rickman

The death of David Bowie and Glenn Frey paint an interesting contrast between the critically acclaimed and the popular. We discuss if this applies to other areas of life.

For this week’s television recommendation, Rome recommends a return to the Metropolis of the 1950’s Adventures of Superman. a time of Truth, Justice, the American Way, and chubby superheroes.

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Episode 32: The Andy Grojak Show, or El Tiburón Verde

In this episode, Rome gives us a recommendation for a good episode of Kojak to get you through the dreary days of January. We review recommendations for actors to portray Kojak in a remake. Other topics:

  • Grace and Tony’s Phantasmagoric
  • Colossus by DF Jones
  • James Bond
  • Harry Houdini
  • The three best episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000

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Episode 31: A Very Slim New Year

It’s New Year’s Eve, and you probably want to know how to ring in the new year if you’re like us. In this episode, find out the best way to celebrate the new year. Topics discussed on this episode:

  • The best Christmas presents that Rome received in 2015
  • Rome’s Mexican wrestler names
  • A Cannon new year
  • What is Phil Collin’s dog’s name?
  • Our expert predictions for 2016

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Episode # 30: All I Want For Christmas is The Little Drummer Boy

It was not a Dan Fogelberg week on If You’re Like Me. Topics discussed this week:

  • Rome has an exciting future in arm wrestling
  • Harrison Ford says “It’s only a movie”
  • Why doesn’t anybody bring us fruitcake anymore?
  • Stan Lee beams up
  • The Peachoid
  • Over The Top
  • Giving the public what they want
  • RIP Robert Loggia
  • Mariah Carey
  • Johnny Cash

Please take time to vote in our TBTCOOM terrible Christmas song poll. “Wonderful Christmas Time” is doing better than expected so far.

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The TBTCOOM Bad Christmas Song Survey

ugly-treejpg-7ab70e7001f78853The nominations are in , and now it is time to vote! For the past two weeks we have been asking our readers and listeners to nominate the worst Christmas song recordings of all time.

We like bad music at If You’re Like Me, because it gives us hope that if these songs can sell millions of copies, there is still hope for us who also have very little musical talent.

The nominees are listed below in no particular order. You can listen to the songs and also (where applicable) listen to what we had to say about the song on our podcast. After reviewing the nominees, please vote in our survey (link at the bottom of this post) ranking the songs from best to worst. The results will be published as the first annual TBTCOTM Christmas Music Playlist.

Last Christmas by Wham

A song that seems so inane and repetitive but really has a deeper meaning. So deep that I developed a flow chart.


Listen to us dissect this song

Santa Baby by Madonna

Nominated by Jenni Callahan

The concept of this recording is take a terrible song and have it made even worse with a bad Betty Boop impersonation.

Same Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg

Nominated by Glenn Allison

Other than a reference to snow falling Christmas Eve, this could be any time of the year. Creepy Dan stalks an old friend at the grocery store. Do you think Dan Fogelberg writes a song about every trip he takes to the store?

Listen to us talk about this song

Silent Night by Garth Brooks

It’s a fine rendition of Silent Night, until Garth starts talking.

Listen to us react to Garth’s monologue and recite the Miracle of the Christmas Cream Cheese

Jingle Bell Rock by all singers

Nominated by Honathan Jyde

By what definition is this rock, and what do the lyrics mean?

Listen to us wonder about this song

Text Me Merry Christmas by Straight No Chaser and Kristen Bell

Nominated by Glenn Allison

Glenn says: “We can move Christmas Shoes to sad song category, but this new song is an abomination on so many levels. It’s also a song that’s only enjoyable for post 1990 millennials because it’s in millennial language.”

The Christmas Shoes by NewSong

Nominated by everybody

Nothing says Merry Christmas like dying mamas. So many questions: Why shoes? How did the kid get to the store? According to the last line of the song, God sent the boy to the store to remind the singer about what Christmas is all about. I didn’t know Christmas was about your mom dying.

Listen to us provide alternative lyrics to the Christmas Shoes

A Cherry Cherry Christmas by Neil Diamond

What could possibly be one of the worst Christmas album ever, the title track incorporates titles of Neil Diamond songs into a Christmas song. When you come into America and eat your Christmas Porcupine Pie, be thankful that there isn’t an open seat at your table, not even the chair.

The album ends with a word for word cover of Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Song.

Listen to us choke on this song

White Christmas by Tiny Tim

The perfect song to play at your Christmas party when you want the guests to leave.


Listen to us have all we can take of this song.

White Christmas by America

Not to be outdone by Tiny Tim, America decides to set White Christmas to the tune of Tin Man.


Listen to Rome reminisce about the first time he heard this song

Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon and Yoko Oh No

Even though John named his son Julian, he must not use the Julian calendar. He thinks that the new year has already begun at Christmas. Plus off-tune children.


Listen to us talk about the mysteries of the Lennon calendar

Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney

Nominated by everybody.

Why is Paul having a wonderful Christmastime? Probably because this terrible song nets him $400,000/year.

Listen to us talk about this not so wonderful song.

Feliz Navidad by Kidz Bop

Proof that any song can be worse when sung by children.

What Can You Get a Wookie for Christmas from the Star Wars Christmas Album

Nominated by Chris White

Chris says “this song is the inspiration for “Nothing Ever Happens on Mars” from WAITING FOR GUFFMAN.” The album also includes the first credited recording of Jon Bon Jovi in “R2-D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”

Do They Know It’s Christmas? by Band Aid

Nominated by Bob Besco

Bob says “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” needs a bigger Band Aid for the wound caused by that confluence of egos. And the answer to the question is yes.

Billy’s Christmas Wish by Red Sovine

Nominated by Chris White

I think of Billy’s Christmas Wish as what happens to the Christmas Shoes kid five years later. This song takes it to a whole new level.

Listen to us ask “Why Billy?”

 

Take the survey

Now that you have heard the nominees, please vote by ranking these songs from best to worst in our survey.

 

Episode 29: The Sound of Children Singing

David_Hasselhoff-Night_before_Christmas

Rome delivers a field report from Ohucky, and we continue to review nominations for our terrible Christmas song playlist. Special Guest Honathan Jyde joins us to rock the night away in the frosty air. We discuss:

  • The difference between dressing and stuffing
  • Fritz the Night Owl
  • Twilight Zone: The Movie
  • seppuku
  • Waham
  • Last Christmas
  • Shopping with Dan Fogelberg
  • Children singing
  • Christmas shoes
  • Billy’s Christmas Wish
  • Red Sovine

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If You’re Like Me Thanksgiving Special

turkey

It’s Thanksgiving, and if there is one word that sums up IYLM, it is “thankful.” On this episode we list items for which we are thankful. Joel gives a defense of mediocre music, Rome is wrong about Willie Nelson, and we introduce the first five nominees for our terrible Christmas song playlist.

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In defense of bad music

In our next episode we discuss bad/mediocre music, and I raise a defense of the mediocre musicians of the world. In this post I want to more thoroughly expand my thoughts on the topic.

  1. Much of the music praised by critics in its day is now forgotten, yet mediocre musicians live on in infamy. Somebody will still be singing a John Denver song.  long after today’s band d’jour has been forgotten.
  2. Even the worst popular musician is probably a better singer than you are. Despite how much you think that Nickelback’s Rockstar sucks, the lead singer of Nickelback can probably carry a tune better than you can. What does that say about you?
  3. Everything is derivative of something. Watch “Everything Is A Remix.” Before slamming a musician you despise about being too derivative of another band, consider that nothing is truly original. Elvis was remixing African American musicians of his day, Johnny Cash was singing Jimmie Rodgers, and the Beatles repackaged Chuck Berry and Buck Owens. Some do it better than others, but being derivative of someone else’s work is a common thread across all types of music.
  4. The internet, social media, and review sites such as Amazon have turned everybody into a music critic. This means that snobbery and elitism are not just for the wealthy anymore. You can be a broke college student and feel like you are better than the “commoners” that like Garth Brooks music.
  5. Much of the music that is despised by wanna-be music critics is successful because it appeals to populations not in the target demographic of the music industry. Popular music is designed to focus on what is new and young. Many musicians considered lame now used to be in that category (looking at you Neil Diamond, Kenny Rogers, and Lionel Richie).If you travel to areas like the midwest or rural Alabama, you will find billboards for concerts for bands that you thought stopped performing years ago. If you live in a town that nobody includes in the sentence “I want to go to ___________ for vacation,” you most likely cannot relate to what is considered cool music these days. A musician that plays a song to which you can sing along is in context a better musician than what some music snob says is good.

This is not to say that I’m a fan of the musicians named in the post, or that some music is not definitively better than others. But if your musical tastes makes you look down on others who may not share the same taste as you, then it is a bad thing.

Episode 27: MASCARAS SHARK Adult Lucha Libre Wrestling Mask

Mask

In episode 27, Rome reviews the Manos: the Hands of Fate Blu-Ray disk, we complain about people who complain about their flights being cancelled, talk Star Wars and what it has to do with Cannon and Rod Serling’s Night Gallery, get a travelogue of Joel’s recent travels, Tim Tams, and whether or not Rome is going through death’s door. Plus, Santo movies.

Episode 23: Whistling A Sprightly Tune To The Fishin’ Hole Of Death

whistling

It’s a “better late than never” episode, where we are joined by special guest Honathan Jyde to debate the darker side of Andy Griffith, we recount pant emergencies, complain about the early election cycle, and talk about adventures in Ebay. Grab a pair of backup pants or a stapler and give it a listen.

Episode 21: Is Rome Getting Old?

old-man-batman

We’ve been gone for a couple of weeks, so we are back with an extended episode. This week Rome explains some confusing song lyrics, we talk about George Reeves and getting typecast. Do you ever feel typecast? If you are like us, you do.

We debate if Rome is getting old given his old man glass collecting tendencies, and Joel relates some moderately humorous stories of selling copiers in Western North Carolina.